Pirates of the Caribbean: The Red Pen
by pokey jr
Summary: This is a simple condensation of the third Pirates movie, because we all know the scripts need a bit more editing... but perhaps not this much.


For Your Enjoyment...

Through hours of endless toil, my sister has transcribed for you the _Pirates of the Caribbean; At World's End_ script. Enjoy:

Enter Kiera Knightley aka Elizabeth, dressed in something figure-concealing and unflattering. She is also wearing a hat, which makes her look like a prepubescent boy.

Random Chinese Guy: Arrr! I be a Chinese pirate! Who're you?

Elizabeth: Er... Certainly not anyone trying to conceal a ton of weapons under these bizarrely loose-fitting clothes!

RCG: No exceptions for girls! STRIP SEARCH TIME!

Elizabeth: EEK! My womanly dignity! Fine, rapists! (Takes off a ton of clothes, out of which fall various weapons. Elizabeth's male pirate companions are not asked to strip, and are allowed into the sacred chamber or whatnot wearing full garb under which they could easily conceal entire canons if they wished. This goes unnoticed)

RCG: Now, meet my scary-looking Chinese Pirate King and his kimono-wearing Harem Girls, Ling and Long.

Barbossa: You know, in actual Chinese those names probably either mean nothing or something stupid and unimpressive.

Chinese Pirate Lord: Arrr! Now I will talk funny for ten minutes! My clever political maneuvering and witty dialogue would sound so much more impressive if I didn't have a ridiculous Chinese accent. I assume you've come to rescue JACK SPARROW?

Barbossa: Yes. Never mind my ulterior motives, or hers, or his.

(Enter Will)

Will: Elizabeth!

Elizabeth: Will!

Will: When did we stop talking, baby? Where did it all go wrong?

Elizabeth: What?

Will: Marry me?

Elizabeth: What?

(Bell rings to signify the introduction of a new plotline)

Meanwhile, in some stiff-necked anal british type place, a bunch of evil men with white hair talk through their noses and frown.

Lord Cutler Becket: Yesss... Once we obtain the HEART OF DAVY JONES, we will have full control of the world! So we can sell stuff to it! (Points to East India Company emblem)

Crony: But sir... (Wide-eyed look) How will we... FIND the heart?

Cuttler Becket turns towards the camera and smiles with one side of his mouth, like he's had a stroke.

Becket: Jack... SPARROW.

(Bell rings to introduce new character)

Tia Dalma: De 'eart of Davy Jones... must always be at sea. Uderwise, 'e weel become cursed by a (unintelligible speech), for 'e is (more unintelligible speech).

The grimy pirates gathered around nod grimily in understanding.

Suddenly, splinters fly everywhere as a canon-ball rips through a mast or something.

Gibbs: HOIST THE WOAAARRRRRR!

Jack: Spatton down the frontward mastesses! Gibbon the lie-walls! Step to! Pull with the starboard (blah) and be snappy, else we sink! You there! Grapple the eastbound (Bleh) and be (Blah) about it!

(Bell rings to introduce a new character)

Jack: Hello, sexy!

(Teenage girls faint for miles around)

Elizabeth: WAIT! Let's make a deal!

All Male Characters: RAPE!

Elizabeth: I accept! OH TAKE ME! The shame! BUT I MUST! (She shields her eyes)

(Bell rings to introduce new plot twist)

Will: I won't let you!

Elizabeth: Oh, Will! Let's marry!

(Bell rings to introduce new plot twist)

Barbossa: Guess what? Tia Dalma is a sea goddess and most of us have shagged her!

Tia Dalma: WORRARRWWWRRR!

(Billions of crabs rain from the sky. Bell rings to introduce several hundred new characters, who are all pirates)

New Pirates: ARRRRR. (Commence lots of stabby-stab-stab. Meanwhile a GIANT WHIRLPOOL appears)

Jack: STRAIGHT AHEAD, MEN!

Gibbs: But, Jack...!

Jack: (Steely look) That's... CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow!

Any ship bearing a main character charges recklessly into the whirlpool, where many things break. The smoke (or spray, if you like) clears.

Will: Oh, Elizabeth...! I couldn't... save my father! I couldn't... save you! I couldn't... keep track of all these plotlines! And now I'm done for!

Elizabeth: No... Will! WILLLLLLLLL!!! (They kiss, for naught. Elizabeth is dragged away, shrieking)

(Bell rings to introduce new plotline)

Will: My GOD! I'm ALIVE!

Elizabeth: Yes! With a SEXY new outfit too!

Will: Oh, let's marry!

Jack: I'm off to shag, gamble and fight me merry pirate heart away. Pleasure workin' with ye both, and so long, lovelies! (He sails away into the sunset, chugging rum direct from the bottle and singing about eggs or yo-yos or whatever)

Roll credits.

* * *

K, now it's me again. No more script! Waves hands in air-clearing motion to get all the excess script out of the way 

So. Yes. It was overly complex, rife with running jokes and cheap gags, and ridiculously unrealistic to the point of silliness but my God it was so EPIC.

And to it's credit the acting was very good and so was the writing. Overall, an AWESOME movie.

But yeah it had about thirty plotlines, only half of which I currently understand. I understand exactly fifteen plotlines out of thirty. This is not enough for the movie to make sense to me.

Oh and did I mention that there's a part where someone turns into a wave of crabs?

There's also a bizarre running joke, or theme, or whatever having to do with peanuts.

* * *

Dear readers, 

My sister let me steal this from her blog. It had to be posted so it's knowledge could be imparted to the rest of the world. Let me be clear: I did not write this. My wonderful, fabulous, incomparable sister wrote this. Yes. I am merely an oracle for her greatness. Don't worry, I have permission.

Anyway, hope you liked it.

* * *

DISCLAIMER: All recognizable characters, trademarks, etc. belong to their respective owners. The writers of this work of fanfiction are making no profit from what is essentially a waste of their time. Thank you. 


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